Let’s be honest, all mummy’s have days where secretly they want to scream in the face of the enemy & startle them in to retreat, in this case the enemy is your own flesh & blood who can’t get through a single hour without whining, complaining, questioning, hurting, touching, mimicking or who knows what. But hey if your life is all cheese & sprinkles than that’s just fantastic.

He even helps with dishes now!

After a good day he even helps with dishes!

It’s the school holidays & ordinarily you’d keep the kids as busy as you can so is to stop them from killing each other, but some days, as a parent with responsibilities on top of raising kids you must stay home and work at the computer while they entertain themselves doing heaven-only-knows. It was on one of these days that I noticed something terrible about myself, it wasn’t even 8 am and I was getting frustrated. I mean, what’s not to like about waking up to a kid sitting on your head? I know, if I had risen at 6am I would’ve beaten them to the punch and most likely NOT have experienced this aforementioned bottom sitting on my head smothering me to gasping point.

That70sShowMom omg_lool

Some days this really is me..

WELL. Mother took vehicle number one for the day, and then husband kissed me on the cheek with bag in hand as he departed merrily for the office with “honey I’m taking the van”. A) Amid my frustrations I didn’t even realize he was off to the office and B) “You’re taking the van? That means I’m stuck here with the kids all day! Alone!” So off he goes as chirpily as he does leaving me sitting on the floor fighting with said three year old! (I mean not literally fighting, what kind of parent do you think I am!)

So in desperation I thought “he (meaning toddler, not husband) needs exercise. If he doesn’t exercise he won’t take his mid day nap and that will drive me na-na’s!” (It is all about self preservation some days…) So we walked to the swimming pool one block from our home and to the dismay of the children the gates were locked. It was closed for winter. It’s not even winter yet! And that was the line. Aforementioned toddler continued as intellectually bored little boys do to push my buttons, and out it came: My so calm it’s psychotic ‘I’m going to murder you if you don’t stop” voice emerged with musical exactness and a death stare to boot. But he got the hint immediately.

And thus was born the Psychotically Calm Mummy Voice. 

You should try it sometime! It is a miracle worker! If I could patent this baby I would! While at first you want to scream and rant and stamp your feet on the inside the gentle & almost musical voice that emerges seems completely foreign & let’s face it, you feel like a crazy person faking it to make it. But, it works. I knew I had to change something when while talking to his ‘bad guys’ he sounded like me with the ‘1-2-3’ count and the “If you don’t… I’m going to!” It’s never pleasant when little people mimic mummy in talking to bad guys.

I swear by it. Today the kids were fantastic, the older two I don’t so much need to worry about, but the three year old – he was just magnificent. And all I had to do was speak nicely & gently…

Seems easy enough!