Hey folks! Those who know me best know that I have a history of depression [We’re getting straight to the point today]. I must apologize for being away for some time, I have to admit that for the first time in almost 9 years it’s back & has been kicking my butt something chronic. Thanks be to my wonderful patient and ever loving husband for putting up with what a healthy balanced person could only describe as
“an utterly and completely messed up woman”
Really though, I’m not messed up [much] – I just need a moment to readjust, breath and get back to basics. Nothing in particular brought it on, I’d been having bad days here & there and momentarily wondered “hmm wonder if my depression is coming back” next thing I know BOOM – I’m having a full blown 24 hour episode and all I can do is ball my eyes out. Upside: it was only a 24 hour episode. As anyone with depression knows that’s not all there is to it.
Talking to my husband and telling him exactly what was going on inside my head was like yanking out a hideous and frightening it could be real but then it might not be kind of intangible hell for all to judge me for. But I knew I married him for a reason, he’s like the gift that keeps on giving: I never in my life knew that he could be so… amazing: there was no judgement. Zero. Zip. It made me bawl some more. You get the idea.
BUT! This story of doom and gloom and yucky messy darkness does possess within it a big massive remedy, the answer to all my prayers on “how the heck do I deal” and “what am I going to do!?” And it’s not as complicated as one might assume.
I picked up my scriptures, and I read. And when I did, the darkness momentarily dissipated. The words on the pages were as if they were written just for me, yet they were. Now I am in no way suggesting that “reading scriptures chases depression away” however, I spent the better part of 3 hours today learning about how if we can just hold on, all trials come to an end, and that there are wondrous blessings for those who overcome. “Why did you read for 3 whole hours?” you ask, fair question. Here’s your answer: Because as I read, I didn’t feel like I was losing it.
There is hope. I felt my Heavenly Father’s love reach out through the second chapter in the Book of Revelation and gave me such great comfort, if you could bottle that up you’d be a millionaire. But you can’t. See, in order to feel God’s love through this trial of mine I’ve had to claw my way to be closer to him: Family scripture reading and companionship scripture reading isn’t enough, I need to make time for Him, I need to study the scriptures personally and if I can just remember the joy that I’ve felt as I’ve picked up the scriptures these past few days then I’ll have enough motivation to do it daily for the rest of my life but, I know the memory of this feeling will fade so, I’ll just have to keep trying.
Thanks for being patient with me.